Flexible Time Off: Where Slackers Thrive

Flexible Time Off: Where Slackers Thrive and Bots Actually Get Things Done

The Beanieverse

I read an interesting post on LinkedIn the other day which seemed to really divide people like Marmite.

Anyway, it got me thinking, and for a little devilment I thought I’d pen this little article with my own twist on it. No insult or offence intended, but that’s almost impossible these days, it’s just a little bit of fun, so here we go.
Original post at start of line, my words in brackets.

The Flexible Time Off Conundrum

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I approved my employee’s request for 2 days off work.

Sure, they’re about to get married, but:

– They’ve only had 2.5 weeks off already (amateurs).
– They haven’t trained a replacement (probably because they assume the world will keep turning without them?).
– We only have two critical projects to complete (is that all, no big deal, right?).

So I told them…

– Sure, go ahead, find a replacement! (Maybe someone off the street with a “can-do” attitude?)
– Train them on your daily to-dos. (Do they have a degree in telepathy? No? Then good luck with that.)
– And with our unlimited time off policy (don’t even think about bothering me next time—just disappear into the sunset like Batman without the drama).

It’s called Flexible Time Off.

(The opposite of, you know, actually managing things responsibly.)

– Your employees set their own hours (because who needs structure? Not us, apparently!)
– They work where they want (which is clearly code for “working on their tan.”)
– They take days off when they choose (leaving you to wonder, “Do I even have employees anymore?”)

The biggest benefit? A-players don’t respect slackers! (But slackers… oh, they LOVE our policy.)

Anyone taking too much time off loses status. (That’s right—nothing says “professional environment” like a popularity contest. Forget performance, it’s all about who’s around more.)

Flexible Time Off is a policy that creates trusting teams (or at least it creates a compelling illusion of one until someone forgets to show up to another critical meeting.)
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Final Thoughts

And for my final added twist! Who needs human employees when you’ve got bots and AI? That’s right—while your star employee is figuring out how to dodge work and maintain their LinkedIn influencer status, the bots are actually getting things done. No more excuses like “I have a life” or “I’m getting married.” Bots don’t care about destination weddings, anniversaries, or moonlight yoga retreats. They’re here to work, 24/7, without needing a replacement, training, or a flexible time off policy.

Because when it comes to automation, the only thing that’s truly flexible is how long you’ll be watching your bots crush deadlines while sipping piña coladas on the beach.

So, who’s the real A-player now?
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No social media posters were harmed in the writing of this article.